Epoch

Epoch

Your hand can seize today, but not tomorrow; and thoughts of your tomorrow are nothing but desire. Don’t waste this breath, if your heart isn’t crazy, since "the rest of your life" won’t last forever.” Omar Khayyám, Quatrains – Ballades

I decided it was about time that I wrote a blog about juggling your vanilla life and your BDSM life. In a Perfect world we would all live the lifestyle 24/7, but since that is not possible it is important to strike a balance. I am remind of a quote by Simon Sinek “There is no decision that we can make that doesn't come with some sort of balance or sacrifice.”

On a constant basis I get submissives writing me to plead their case to me about how they would like to serve me but they don’t have the time. First off, they get no empathy from me, it is all about Priorities. If you ever get the privilege to serve me, you will learn very fast that nothing gets my time unless I see that person as a benefit TO ME. I hate wasted time; it is the reason why I am on time or early to everything. The best way to avoid the feeling that you are being pulled in two different directions is:

1. Communicate your expectations clearly. Be specific and most importantly be 100 percent honest with the amount time and effort you have to give towards your situation. Frame it however you will, but communication is essential—and that does not mean the submissive bares their soul while the dominant remains impassive. Communication works both ways. So regardless of your place in the D/s relationship, take a look at your communication patterns as they are; identify the places you need to improve, and work on them.

2. Keep a schedule. As simple as it sounds, knowing what your week will look like will help you mange stress, as well as give you something to anticipate.

3. Don’t treat the other person like fast food. When you are with them, treat their time like you treat anything else of value in your live. Unfortunately, once a moment has passed you can’t get it back. I personally take a waste of time as someone one stealing from me. If you are lucky enough to see me, realize the moment I see that you are stealing from me in this way, I will cut you off immediately. This can be avoided by not taking on more than you can handle in both your “vanilla and BDSM” life. Remember, to have anything worthwhile it takes time and constancy.

4. Patience. This stuff takes a long time to build into any great depth, and often a dominant’s job is to hold back, not to rush forward. Taking on responsibility for another human being in a polarized power situation is simply not something that’s wise to do quickly or carelessly. Take your time. Learn what you need to learn—about yourself, about them, about how to do this well and feel good about it. Don’t extend past your own limits because you feel pressure to do it all right-now-tout-de-suite.

I do say that it’s often the dominant’s job to hold back, because I often see it happen that a submissive is totally gung-ho and chomping at the bit while their dominant is feeling overwhelmed and struggling to hold tight. I liken it to the image of an enthusiastic dog who’s pulling on a leash so hard that their owner ends up running to keep up. Sure, it’s still technically D/s, but at some point you have to ask who’s actually in charge of it. And if you both want the dominant to be in charge, then the dominant sets the pace and the submissive heels. So in that sense, patience needs to come from the submissive too—metaphorically speaking (because no, I don’t think all submissives are like dogs), don’t yank on the leash.

D/s does not come with a deadline, so don’t impose one unnecessarily.